Monday, June 27, 2011

getting squeezed below the border


When I was a lad, my father nicknamed me “The Grape.”


My disposition made me a sucker for every hard luck story and con man who came down Snake Oil Alley.


I suppose I still am.  Strike that.  I am.  No suppose about it.


And I can do it to myself.  As I did this past week.


Any of you who have been reading this blog for any time will know that I have certain eccentricities.  One of them being that I -- generally -- do not like foods that being with the letter “c.”


That includes “candy.”  I do not have a very well-developed sweet tooth.

 
But there is one big exception -- Smarties.  Those little discs of what appear to be compacted Pixie Stix.  Or Kool-Aid.  I am not certain there is any difference. 


But my tongue loves the combination of tart and sweet in those fruity white, yellow, pink, orange, purple, and green tablets.  They are one of the memories of my childhood in Powers.  My own little Rosebuds.


So, you can imagine my excitement when I saw a bag of candy in Walmart.  Little discs wrapped in clear cellophane.  And clearly labeled as “tangy candy.”  And that name -- “Aciditas.”  If they were not Smarties, they were their first cousins.


I grabbed my treasure and headed home.


No dream lasts for long.  And this one did not last past the Walmark parking lot.  I tore the bag open and unwrapped one of the cellophane packs.  There they were.  Just like Smarties.  Same shape.  Same feel.  Almost the same smell.


But reality kicked in just as the first tablet hit my tongue.  There was no tang.  Just sugar.  And no semblance of a fruity taste -- artificial or not. 


Worst of all was the consistency.  One crunch turns Smarties into its constituent Kool-Aid.  Not Aciditas.  They are harder than that lump candy grandmothers serve to their charges.  The type of candy that coagulates into one giant clump.  The stuff that gives meaning to "Hard Candy Christmas.”


The best thing about living in Mexico is that when I make these purchase errors, someone will gladly take the mistake off of my hands.  In this case it was the neighbor children.  They had none of my qualms about eating the stuff.  And I had no qualms about contributing to one of the world's highest rates of diabetes.


So, Dad.  I may not have mentioned you on Father’s Day.  But your legacy is sound. 


I am still “The Grape.” 

18 comments:

Felipe Zapata said...

And I had no qualms about contributing to one of the world's highest rates of diabetes. Shoulda had those qualms, amiguito. Shoulda tossed that mess into the trash instead of shoveling it into the mouths of babes. Shame on you. This was not a Christian act.

The upside for you was that had it been what you desired, the whole bag would have been eaten before you were two blocks from Wal-Mart. You're a weird one.

blog said...

I can not imagine you not liking capers being a gourmet of a sort. You do not like carrots - hmmm.

NWexi said...

Is that you mom, hiding behind the Zapata handle? Don't tell me I already know, "a little birdie" told you I was here...

Joanne said...

Cherries.  Pretty sure you LOVE those.

BTW, these are Smarties.....at least in Canada, the UK etc.
http://www.smarties.ca/main/english/index.html

Steve Cotton said...

One way or other the sugar was going to have its effect -- once I bought it.  Such are the dangers of strolls down nostalgia lane.

Steve Cotton said...

The no "c" food rule comes with a lot of exceptions.  And they are usually accomplished through lawyerly avoidance.  Cheese becomes fromage.  Carrots become zanahoria.  Cherries become kirschen.  But coffee, chocolate, cream cheese, cheese cake, cake, creamed corn all get the "c" treatment.  After all, it is an eccentricity, not a religion. 

Steve Cotton said...

When I lived in England, I was shocked to discover my favorite candy name was a chocolate product over there.  Certain things come close to being abominations.

And you are correct about my love for kirschen -- even though I am not very consistent in the usage.

Steve Cotton said...

The difference is that my mom would not chide me over such a matter.

Art Moretti said...

Weird........and wildly popular.

NWexican said...

Sounds like an argument in first century Corinth.

Art Moretti said...

ooooh, don't scare off the blog author with comparisons of granduer.
but note: no tales of past sexual escapades, no posting of former girlfriends photos, no attempt to be a moral authority or the compass of reason, no posturing of superior itellect,  and yet,  wildly popular.  That's gotta rub someone.     
Maybe it's the smarties effect.

Steve Cotton said...

Het, guys.  I thank you for all of the nice comments.  But Felipe and I are pals.  We chide one another now and then.  But that is because we are big enough to take the ribbing.  There is no competition going on here.

NWexican said...

More smarties!!!!!

NWexican said...

Honorable bow to the sensei.

Theresainmerida said...

Steve, I like sour the best too. Here I really like the tamarindo candies, especially tamarindo in chile. It makes my mouth water thinking of them. I also like the dried pineapple pieces in chile. Do you sense a theme here? My favorite nob was those citrus jelly candies and red hot tamales, so I guess I always have like spicy candy.
regards,
Theresa

Elmerhodap said...

I don't know what youwould do without your 'Life Coach' here Steve. How did you get by all those years in OR??

Steve Cotton said...

Maybe the question is: "Did I get by in Oregon?"

I appreciate all advice. Some I take. Some I file away.

Steve Cotton said...

In Guanajuato I found a dried strawberry candy spiced with chili. They were good. Reminded me of my favorite li hing mui.