In terms of almost anything, there always has to be tug and pull and deal. You have to be able to have some flexibility, some negotiation.
Donald Trump, 4 March 2016
Dateline 20 February 2017
President Donald Trump announced today that he has personally resolved a series of domestic and international issues in what the White House has labeled as a "brilliant holistic solution that has evaded all of the president's predecessors."
Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp will be rebranded as the Trump Tower Casino at Castroville. A 5000 room casino hotel will be constructed on the site in the next few months. In return for an ownership of 50% of the revenue stream (after deduction for capitalization), President Raul Castro decreed that Cuba would recognize a perpetual lease of the land occupied by the current Guantanamo Naval Base. The Cuban portion of the revenue will be paid directly to the Castro family.
President Trump announced that the prisoners currently held in the detention facility will be released on the condition that they accept employment as security personnel for the hotel. "Hey, these guys know how to use weapons. We need to use their transferable skills in a way that will maximize profits instead of wasting their time sitting around."
"If any of the prisoners decline our generous benefit package, we are in negotiations with North Korea right now to exchange them for something North Korea makes. I have no idea what that might be. Maybe a nice supply of kimchi. I hear they have some sort of interest in Bibles. Maybe that could be an angle."
The casino and hotel staff will be drawn solely from the children of illegal aliens in the United States who were brought to the country as minor children. "President Obama called these kids 'dreamers.' I never liked that. Dreamers aren't doers. These kids are doers. Trump doers."
"We're going to give each of them a good job and housing. They can live right there in Cuba Think about that. A tropical paradise. That's a lot better than living in Omaha and flipping burgers at a non-Trump business. It's a brilliant solution."
"And after 10 or 15 years working in Cuba, we will consider the best ones for American citizenship. Incentives. That's what we are talking about. When they come back to America, we might even put together a Trump Youth Corps -- or something like that. Dream corps, maybe. No, I don't like that word. Better as Trump Youth Corps. There might be a television show in there somewhere."
The White House announced that it is also negotiating with China to bring back jobs to America. The president has proposed sending illegal aliens to China to work in several recently-established Trump-branded enterprises. Most of the jobs appear to be related solely to assembling plastic jewelry to be sold on the Trump Value Channel (formerly known as PBS).
When asked how sending people to China brings jobs to America, the president responded: "That is the type of small thinking that makes you a reporter with bad penmanship and me a billionaire with stunning hair. The point is that an American company will now be making the profit rather than a Chinese company."
When asked whether he would disclose the tax records of the companies to prove whether they were paying American corporate taxes, the president answered: "This really is a lovely room, isn't it? Not as classy as Trump Towers. But it is nice."
Last week, President Trump resolved the political stalemate in the Senate over the vacancy on the Supreme Court by convincing the remaining eight justices to resign with golden parachutes of $10 million each in Trump China Enterprises stock with an option to star in a still-in-development mini-series on TBS (Trump Broadcasting System, formerly Turner Broadcasting System).
"I have no intention of filling those nine vacancies. The political fight would waste precious negotiating time. Besides, I can read as well as anyone. I will decide what I can do. There is legal precedent, you know."
The State Department has refused to verify whether there is a Middle East peace contract just waiting to be signed that will unite the area into a single Trump franchise with national subsidiaries. An anonymous source in the White House referred to the deal as: "You know, like the European Union -- but with valuable merchandise and real money."
The past month has seen a flurry of activity following the unprecedented election where Donald Trump and Secretary Clinton tied in the electoral college. When, the House of Representatives could not break the tie after 39 votes, Mr. Trump suggested a coin toss -- the loser to be named vice president. After the coin toss, Mrs. Clinton was heard to mutter: "I knew I shouldn't have let him supply the coin."
Vice-president Clinton has kept a low profile since then. She calls it "working behind the scenes."
When asked if she supports the President's recent contracts, she responded: "He certainly has done a few things I care about deeply. The two of us share a common personality trait. We are willing to negotiate anything."
To prove her loyalty to the Trump administration, she has offered to pay for the services of the world's best French chef to run the White House kitchen. "It is my gift to the president. This afternoon Bill is picking her up at the airport. I understand her specialty is Italian renaissance dishes -- most of them popular on the Borgia table."
With a sly smile, she added: "Eventually, everything works out."