what's good for the goose

I'm not in Mexico any more.


The rift between Mexico and The States could not be more evident than the tale my brother relayed to me at breakfast this morning.


I headed off to Bend on Friday afternoon.  A nice jaunt through the mountains.  But a trip I made as a passenger.  I could not cajole my mother to put her life into my hands -- or foot, I guess.


We had a leisurely breakfast of eggs benedict at a local eatery.  The D&D.  Once a notorious smoke-filled bar, it has been tarted up to pass as a family restaurant.  In about the same way Las Vegas has become family-friendly.  With a something-is-wrong-here uneasiness.


I always enjoy these outings with my family.  My mother, my brother, his wife, and I were having a great time.  Then the stories began.  And things got better.


My favorite was the gassing of the geese.


Bend, like the D&D, has a checkered past.  In the 1970s, it was still a logging and lumber town.  About as basic as a working American town can be.


Then the tourists found it.  Sunny days.  Snow in the winter.  Majestic purple mountains right out of a patriotic song -- for staring and skiing.  And when urban types discover the joy of quaintly country ambiance, something is going to change.


What changed was Bend.  The town's former a lumber mill is now the city's main shopping mall.  And the 81,000 people are an amalgam of what Bend once was and what it has become.


To attract additional tourists, the city developed a water-front park on the Deschutes River -- Drake Park.  The park is a wonder.  With water.  Trails.  Solitude.  And open-grass.


It attracted tourists.  And Canada Geese.  Geese are usually migratory.  But when they find a deal almost as good as a free Hilton, they put their wandering ways on hold.  Why fly all the way north to breed when you can do it in a park safe from hunters?


Move in, they did.  But geese are not toilet-trained.  Like all birds, they poop whenever and wherever they like.  And being big and flockish, the poop is big and there is lots of it.


I have seen what geese can do to parks.  It is not a pretty site.


The bureaucrats in the park district decided enough was enough.  But they could not execute any plan that would work. 


They tried capturing the geese and repatriating them to northern Canada.  Perhaps forgetting that geese are migratory and could get back to Bend almost as fast as their captors.


They tried oiling the goose eggs in the hope the embryos would die and the geese would not lay additional eggs.  The population did not decrease.


They tried birth control.  Nope.


Like a Hitchcock film, they kept moving in.


Out of frustration, the district devised what one resident, in a perfect application of Godwin's Law, called -- The Final Solution.  Park district employees captured 109 of the unfortunate geese.  Took them to a district shop.  And placed them, individually, into a trash can sized container filled with carbon dioxide until the goose stopped thrashing.


In old Bend, the only question would have been why the district did not simply shoot the geese.  But we live in kinder and gentler times.


New Bend reacted just as any politically correct group of people would do.  They were outraged.  And American outrace these days is best dramatized with a candlelight vigil. 


And vigil they did.  By the flames of little candles, they expressed their feelings.  Observed a moment of silence for "the surviving geese companions and families."  And discussed ideas of how to prevent the slaughter from happening again.


The only thing missing was a condemnation of the use of a greenhouse gas to kill the geese.  Uniting us all in this ecological nightmare.


I love animals.  Even geese.  They are doing only what thousands of years of breeding have taught them to do.  Being geese.


But this whole thing is a bit over the top.  And it symbolizes how neurotic American society is becoming.


The first mistake was creating a perfect goose habitat and then shocked -- shocked, I tell you -- that geese would take them up on the invitation.  Golf course and parks were not built for geese, but they provide exactly what geese think they need to be a true goose.


And geese do not mix well with people in those environments.  Too many Americans have bought the Disney view of animals.  "They are just like people."  Well, they aren't.  And you either accept that or you try to change the circumstances.


As for the "executions," these are geese.  We are not talking about rounding up children.  For what it is worth, the meat was donated to the local food banks.


I keep thinking what would have happened in Mexico.  If geese had started congregating in my village, my neighbors would have seen them as a gift from God -- to be harvested and enjoyed.  Candlelight vigils are for the victims of crime.  Not for birds.


And I think they would have it just about right.