amazon throttles english

Even the best of us fail. Now and then.

This week, it is Amazon's turn.

Several of you have asked me how my experimenting with my Instant Pot is going. It isn't.

Before I started tinkering with it, I decided to buy a book instructing me on the cooking concepts of this new contraption. So, I turned to Amazon.

The choice of books was easy. Almost everyone agreed on which book to buy. And it was available on Amazon. That was two weeks ago.

Amazon and DHL (the designated carrier) have an excellent package-tracking system. I always know where my package is, and when it will be at my door.

My book was supposed to arrive a week ago. There was nothing unusual about the delivery window. But something odd happened along the way. The day my package was supposed to be in Barra de Navidad,the tracking system showed it was still in Florida -- with no updates for almost a week.

So, I was not too surprised when the following notice showed up: "Due to an error with the carrier, your shipment has been returned to Amazon. We will replace the order at no charge to you."

Wow! Because of an error in shipping, Amazon is going to send me my book free. Now, that is customer service.

My joy did not last long. There was another sentence: "If the items are not available, we will refund the purchase price."

Hold it. "Refund the purchase price?" I thought I was getting my book "at no charge." Those sentences are contradictory.

I have noticed a trend in these notices. In an attempt to spin a bad situation, the English language is pummeled. In the process, an understanding customer ends up confused -- or fuming.

I think what Amazon meant to say was this.

"The carrier we chose to deliver your book has damaged the package and its contents. They are idiots, but we are responsible merchants.

"We know that you paid for the book already with your credit card. But your book is ruined. Rather than charge you for a replacement, we are shipping you  you the book you already paid for. There will be no additional charge -- as if we needed to say that. What are we going to do? Ruin what you wanted and then charge you for it? We are not the government.

"If we cannot find a replacement, we will reimburse the charges on your credit card. We are nice people, but Amazon is just starting to show a profit. We are not so crazy that we would just throw money away.

"By the way, if you had bought it on your Kindle none of this would have happened. What were you thinking?"

I just checked the status of my order. According to Amazon, I purchased the book yesterday (rather than two weeks ago), and it is being prepared for shipment. That does not engender a lot of hope. It almost sounds as if Putin is doing Amazon's record-keeping.

Rather than waiting for the book to arrive (between 5 and 8 November), I may start experimenting with something easy in the Instant Pot. Jennifer Rose suggests beans. That sounds like a good idea. Cooking beans while we dry out from the Willa rains may be therapeutic.

When the book arrives, I can try something more exotic. Like rice.

I may ruin a few joints of meat, but I promise not to mangle the language.