don't flush this essay down the toilet

There I was at St. Charles hospital last night thinking there was no possibility of finding a hook for the day's essay.

A trip to the bathroom proved me wrong.

Bathroom signs are a wealth of humor. Most of it inadvertent. Often, it is merely tastelessly ambiguous.

I have already written about the "TOILET PAPER ONLY!" warning. It appears in almost every public bathroom. And it does not mean what it says. At least, I hope it does not mean what it says. The reason for a toilet is to put something other than toilet paper in the toilet.
But that was not the best line. After adding a specific warning that the toilet prevents "flushing of wipes," the sign boldly goes where no man has gone before.
  
"DO NOT PUT HAND IN TOILET!" I  can honestly confess I have never been tempted to put my hand in a toilet. Well, except for the time I accidentally dropped my trial book in a used toilet.

The announced reason for not putting one's hand in the toilet was just as alarming. "It contains a sharp device that can cause injury."

I once represented prisoners who were allegedly receiving drugs from warders who would leaver the package in the prisoner's toilet. But that did not make sense in a hospital. At least, in a public restroom.

A quick internet search revealed the answer. The sharp device ids a Traptex. It is designed to capture anything other than toilet paper before it makes its way into the pipes and clogs the system. Wipes. Toys. Uneaten meals. Trial books. It makes perfect sense.

I have spent years trying to come up with an alternative to the "toilet paper only" warning. Something that is a bit more informative -- and accurate. But anything that meets both of those criteria suffers from the virtue of frankness. So, I have abandoned the task. Besides, the version in restrooms tickles my fancy.

That is why I am not going to bother editing the remonstration against putting  hands in the toilet bowl water. I still have a vision of people washing their hands there, being very careful to avoid the piranha-like teeth at the mouth of the pipe of clogs.

At least, the sign (and ensuing reverie) was a diversion from the day's other mission.