Dateline -- Manzanillo, Colima, Mexico
On this very important day of the Latino calendar, Last Adventure, Inc. announced today in Manzanillo that it is launching a special series of one-night cruises from Mexico's largest commercial port.
The company's vice-president for public relations, Dr. Roberto Ignacio Pérez (who likes to be known by his initials RIP, similar to the Mexican president) explained that the cruises are designed primarily for tourists who feel as if they have lived full lives and want one last adventure on their way out.
The company tried a pilot project called The Voyage to Nowhere series. Dr. RIP pointed out that the name was dropped after receiving a torrent of complaints. Instead, the cruises have been re-branded as the Youth in Asia cruises."The name has the advantage of being both ironic and a rather elegant pun. You do not see either very much in my line of business."
When asked if it might be called a cruise to nowhere, Dr. RIP responded: "We like to think of it as life's ultimate experience. Or, as Shakespeare would say, a voyage to the undiscovered country."
Last Adventure's fleet currently consists of one ship, the Ángel de la muerte, a gently-converted World War II hospital ship. Guests can swim in the Ophelia swimming pool, drink at the Jim Jones bar, and have a final supper in the Socrates dining room.
All of the ship's accommodations are suites ranging from the Marc Antony and Cleopatra Suite to the Romeo and Juliet Suite to the Sylvia Plath Suite (for solo travelers). The Thelma and Louise climbing wall is open to those who are inclined toward alternative recreation.
Dr. RIP continued: "We are fully aware of the onus placed on us by offering this unique product. It will be our guests' final experience before they reach the other side. At midnight, all of the passengers will assemble on the upper decks to sing 'Nearer My God to Thee' in honor of those who have gone before.
"They will then retire to their suites where our staff of doctors will assist them in doing whatever it is that happens there. You can understand my reluctance to go into too much detail.
"Not that there is anything illegal going on here. After all, what happens at sea stays at sea. We asked an associate justice of the Canadian Supreme Court to look at our business plan. He wondered why the provinces didn't adopt something similar.
"But, I do need to add one caveat. We will not book any passengers from Mexico or any other proto-Aristotlean society with their Platonic moral schemes. Our passengers need to be from post-post-modern countries that do not get wrapped around the axle with moral issues."
When asked who was the ideal demographic for the cruise, Dr. RIP furrowed his brow. "This is the strangest thing. We thought couples over the age of 65 would jump at the opportunity. Instead, most of our cruises are purchased by women with husbands over 70. But they only purchase it for him."
One of the first purchasers in line verified Dr. RIP's observation. She didn't want to use her real name. We will call her Lizzie.
She said she was buying the cruise for her husband who was standing patiently at the door holding her shopping bags. "I am doing it for him. He is a mass of ill-mannered protoplasm. Besides, it's cheaper than the mafia."
The Ángel de la muerte sets sail tonight at 6. The manifest is exclusively older men from Canada and The States. As they boarded, they looked a bit confused. One said: "I have no idea where I am going, but my wife said I would enjoy myself -- and that would make her very happy."
Could it be better said on this special day?
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